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My own apology


I am sorry that you took my comment as an attack. As to responding to it privately, to me it seems meaner than to respond publicly to a public post.

I am not angry with you. Sometimes the divine insists that something be said.

I will no longer respond to your posts.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 21st, 2004 10:54 am (UTC)
Samir took it as an attack. I expected it was coming. Not neccessarily from you. Yeah it was a bit hurtful to not have some of the things I said not to be acknowledged, and then sort of be blugeoned with one of my own clue by fours as I have previously done unto others. I got a good dose of what I have been doing to other people in the name of being divinely inspired.

I am glad you are not angry with me.

I have no problem with getting feedback from you. In fact this venue, where it's just between us is a great way! I like it. Feels much more private and safe from people, like my hubby, blowing up. Or emailing me works too.

Since it is just us now, as for the complaints of others, were you interested in hearing my side of the story on any of those? or in asking me does that violate the complainee's trust? which is why you haven't asked? Trying to get a feel here... I am just trying to underestand. Thanks in Advance.


Oct. 21st, 2004 11:04 am (UTC)
Re: understood
I cannot ask about many of the things I have been told without violating other people's confidences. I have also not mentioned them to anyone else.

I was attempting to encourage you, really. Obviously I didn't do a good job. I couldn't really acknowledge any of the apologies, as they weren't directed toward me. The intent behind what I said was to encourage you to keep digging and see what you can fix and what you can't. And although I didn't mention this part, understand there may be things that you cannot fix. But to start with the apologies and then dig deeper when you need to, so you can find the behavior that caused the problem and determine if it is behaviour you are willing or capable of changing.

I think, though, that you can start with your apology list, and on the one (Morgan, I think) that you say you don't know what you did wrong, start a dialogue. If someone is obviously upset with you and you don't know why, then ask. That at least shows the willingness to try to understand the problem and make amends. Not everyone will allow it, but it at least shows that you are attempting to actually resolve issues and living your words.

Gods know I've had my share of fuckups over the years. I try to make amends when I can; some times it isn't possible. Sometimes what others perceive as misbehavior I see as standing by my principles, and in that case we're at an impasse. That's why I'm on a long sabbatical from Dragonfest.

At any rate, I was not trying to put a "huge rock in your road." I was attempting to encourage you to dig deeper and learn more.
Oct. 21st, 2004 03:06 pm (UTC)
Re: understood
I like doing the dialogue in this forum better. Some mediation between Morgan I has been attepted over the recent months, including some challenges from the gods themselves to resolve this between her and I.

There is much that does not go into LJ that yourself and others don't see in my life simply because I either don't post it or I don't feel safe to post it.

I also did not see you as putting a huge rock on my road, those are Samirs words, feelings, and perceptions, not mine. But I too can easily say that quote "Sometimes what others perceive as misbehavior I see as standing by my principles" which is how I got in this mess to begin with.

Like I said, I am still getting my sea legs with my own internal dialogue first. That's where I am starting. I need to clean house so to speak before I can go inviting other people in.

As for asking some of those people on the list, I did ask, and I was told "I can't tell you because you are not even capable of understanding. I may never tell you. Now that you are out of our life there is no point to telling you. It's a moot point...." you get the idea, and thus my frustration. From Morgan specificaly I got that I was a sick person and that she would never speak to me again... still no details, just raw rage.

I've dug down to the box pilled under my own shit, but the box is still locked. Thanks again for your encouragement and feedback.


Oct. 21st, 2004 10:51 pm (UTC)
Re: understood
Well I sent a letter home with Brian to Morgan, asking if she would try to talk and open up to a dialogue. This was her response:

Not interested. Ever.
I read your live journal and your note.
You were given all the information and still chose to ignore it.
Figure it out for yourself.
You blew it and that’s it.

(end email)
I wish I could say I am surprized. Saddened for sure... I am not sure that there is anything that I could do under the circumstances of how she feels... I still get that ZERO information and I am supposed to know "magickaly" some how what's going on.

Any advice from here?


Oct. 21st, 2004 10:57 pm (UTC)
Re: ps
Oh and...

In the letter I sent home to her I told her that if she didn't wish for reconciliation let me know and I would cease and desist all further attempts, per her request. I have done as much as humanly possible. Her response demands that I drop it... important detail there.
Oct. 22nd, 2004 11:39 am (UTC)
Re: ps
Then there isn't much you can do there, except perhaps search inside yourself as to what it is that would have set her off. Since she doesn't want to hear from you, then you need to honor that.

What have you done in relation to Morgan? What have you done that has upset people? What was your motivation? Is that motivation still there? If so, why? What is it buying you>

I can't be your schoolteacher and force you to do your work. The fact that you acknowledge it is a big step. I hope you are able to continue.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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